Atheisjustin’s Asshole Attempts Acid

How you like the assonance in the title? Pretty fuckin dope right? English major over here.

What up cunts.

This is an old post that actually, for some reason, never made it onto my original site. This is about the time my buddy tried acid for the first time and all the fun that ensued for me.



Since I was about 13 years old, I’ve had this friend. For all intents and purposes, his name is Asshole. Asshole and I have had a lot of fun together.

Much like my real asshole, I have spent a lot of our relationship cleaning him up, taking care of him, and hoping he doesn’t ruin my underwear.

His name is Asshole for self-explanatory reasons.

Anyway, he and I were hanging out and he told me that he was going to take acid. He asked me to baby sit. Since I have never seen a human being high on LSD, I figured it would be an awesome blog post.

Would my friend die? Would I be the witness to my friend losing his fucking mind and slowly turn into Syd Barrett? Would Asshole shit all over himself? The possibilities were endless.

Though people in college are on acid more often than not, I was still interested in getting some personal time with someone who was insanely high.

Here’s how it went:

He was staying at our friend’s house and when I arrived. I walked in; the door was open.

“Hey! AAASSSSHOLE!!!???”

I heard a voice from the toilet accompanied by the sounds of a Kamikaze airstrike- I soon realized this ‘airstrike’ was just the sound of Asshole’s asshole.

He informed me that he was on the toilet, still in fact, sober. He came out and shook my hand (did he wash?) and told me that he had just dropped acid about a half hour ago and should kick in at any moment.

So, time goes by and Asshole, Friend, and I are all sitting outside, enjoying the nice LSD weather. During this time Asshole and Friend were still sober, I asked them a couple questions.

Apparently acid lasts about 8-12 hours or until someone falls asleep. This means, it was destined to be an interesting day.

Eventually the acid started to kick in and Asshole explained that he began feeling like he was high on weed. To be honest, he was totally functional and speaking like a normal human being. All that cartoon drug shit seemed to be bullshit.

Then he stopped and turned me to say, “Okay, something just happened and it’s starting to make me think that something is definitely happening.”

“You alright man?”

“I don’t know- I think I’m starting to hit that weird stage.”

As time passed, I recorded a few things he was saying.

“There’s a lot of movement going on. Those things are vibrating.”

“I feel happy.”

“I’ve been really excited for 10 minutes straight. Like in the throat and stuff. I keep flexing my calf muscle.”

“You look fine, but that thing over there looks like it’s vibrating.”

“You know what, this is starting to feel good.”

“Okay, so my phone just changed that means something is definitely happening.”

“You know how when you’re a little kid and you see everything for the first time and you’re like, ‘okay, that’s what a cloud is?’ That’s what its like right now.”

Once it had became obvious that Asshole was stoned as fuck, we decided it would be a good idea to venture into the woods and experience nature while he was in this altered state.

It was not a good idea.

Within 15 seconds of walking into the woods, Asshole broke out into a panic, screaming that something had just bit his leg.

There was no bite mark.

He was just high.

Really, really high.

So, my other friend who was with us explained, ‘when you take acid, you go on an adventure. When your friends take acid, you take them on the adventure.’

At this point in my life, I had yet to read Tom Wolfe’s Electric Kool Aid Acid test, so I didn’t quite understand. But then, soon enough, it all made sense.

Apparently being high on acid in the static of a home is one thing, but to be out and about in the world is an entirely different thing. And so, we decided we’d move around and go places.

So, the day began. Our first stop: A graduation ceremony.


So, we pull up into this graduation party with the rest of the car and Krew assembled.

Nobody else there had any idea Asshole and Friend were stoned, but if you watched the two of them from a distance, it was horribly obvious. The two of them kept breaking off from the rest of the party and Asshole kept talking to a rock.

Eventually the party was over and it was decided that we would head to this secluded lake with another friend who had been to the spot before.

While we were in the car, at one point, Asshole and I were both in the backseat and he started crying. He wasn’t sad, depressed, or upset. But nonchalantly, tears began rolling out of his eyes down his cheek.

He then rolled the window down, turned to me and screamed, “IT GON RAIN” and leaned his head out of the window while the tears flew all over the place.

When we got to the lake the sun was just getting ready to set and it was reflected in the clearness of the water. It was a pretty sight.

Asshole walked onto the dock and sat at the edge. He turned to us and said, “I feel like I’m at the end of the Seinfeld episode where they show off all the production companies and stuff. You know, like, how there’s that sun setting one at the end?”

He was talking about this:




Essentially, Asshole was high on acid, sitting at the edge of a dock looking out into a beautiful lake, and thought about Seinfeld.

What a fucking Jew.

After a while, we decided to head to the beach. I don’t know why we decided to do that, but soon enough we were there and Asshole had an idea.

“Okay, I’m gonna sit here on the beach and listen to Revolution 9 by the Beatles.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”


“Okay. Great.”

He then put in his headphones and pressed play. I sat there, looking out into the darkness of the ocean for about- eh- 40 seconds.

Asshole looked at his phone, pulled out his headphones and said, “Holy shit it’s only been 30 seconds! I thought I’d been here for hours.”

I was a little surprised and disappointed he didn’t have a psychotic breakdown, but I guess this had to do.

Eventually, the night concluded with Asshole and Friend both retiring home, leaving their high brains to be alone with themselves. The adventure probably kept going on for another couple of hours for them, but ended there for me.

And that concludes my telling of this odd adventure. I will leave you with a picture of whatever the fuck this is.



Published by J. Cassidy Hawthorne

Writer. Former stand-up. Sommelier.

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