Atheistjustin Moves In

What up sluts.

Its 4:07pm on a Monday, January 15th and I am watching that Viceland show about racist groups in America- I think it’s called ‘Hate Thy Neighbor.’ All I know is, this one dude is screaming very violently that the white man is the devil.

Like, listen dude, we are the devil but you don’t have to yell about it.

My buddy just gave me a great idea of how funny it would be to have a show where we would take radically different people and make them go into meetings. Like, imagine throwing a bunch of Hasidic Jews into a Catholic church.

“You are going to EAT Jesus? Why? You’re mashuganah.”

Imaging bringing a bunch of Muslims to a Strip Club. I’d imagine they’d just start throwing sheets on the dancers screaming, “COVA YOURSELF INFIDEL!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny. Look at me being socio-political. For a guy named ‘Atheistjustin’ I actually go pretty light on the religious stuff. You know why? Nobody gives a shit. Do you think a devout Catholic is going to stumble across this website and read about my asshole friend tripping acid, and then take a post I write about religion seriously? At all?

Fuck no.

At the end of the day, nobody cares about your beliefs and nobody cares if you die. That’s why you should waste your time reading this blogpost and buying my shit.

So anyway, I’ve moved back into my shit hole house at Rutgers for the last time- well, actually, there’s still Spring Break to move back into- but that’s not of anything notable.

I actually feel nostalgic already. I keep thinking about that day I walk off the front porch of this 2 story pile of dog shit and look at it, with its dirt caked on the front face. I’ll feel a little sad. I’ll feel a little reminiscent. But I’ll also feel so god damn relieved.

The amount of shit that has gone on in this house on a regular basis is uncanny, reprehensible, and evidence that there is absolutely, indefinitely, no God.

I actually dropped a class already (classes don’t start till tomorrow) and in it’s place I’ve replaced it with 2 online classes. That’s right. Online.

I have to take 6 classes to amass my final 16 credits (I fucked up reaaaaal bad freshman year) and 4 of them are online. Don’t you worry- I am doing my absolute best to ensure that the last 2 are also online.

If I can spend my last semester of college without ever stepping into a classroom building I think you can safely call me the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.

The only thing I’m concerned about is the lack of social interaction. I mean, there’s something about walking into a classroom and meeting people and down the road bumping into them at some shitty bar and going, “oh shit! You were in my X class!”

But I think I can just go one step forward and just DO all my work AT the bar. So now the conversation goes, “Oh shit! You were in X bar while I was ripping Jameson shots and reading some bullshit article for my bullshit class!”

I mean, listen, I’ve done all my major and minor stuff, presided as VP of a Fraternity, worked several jobs, and deserve a fuckin semester of devoting my time and energy to things I actually want to do. Like masturbating.

I’m also going to try and learn Spanish this year with Duo Lingo. So far: Yo soy un hombre. Me gusta como manzanas.

Not entirely sure about that last sentence. But it’s a slow, slow process.

Since moving back in and being closer to New Brunswick and all the things and people I love, I’ve also been able to work out again and lose all the fat my mother poured onto me with her god damn baked shit. Fuck your cookies mom. Fuck em.

Anyway that’s all for now. I’ll leave you all with a picture of a Chinese man.





Published by J. Cassidy Hawthorne

Writer. Former stand-up. Sommelier.

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