Rutgers Sucks

It’s been a while since I’ve thrown up a post, but now we’re in Spring Break era and I actually, for the first time in a while, have some free time to dedicate to other things.

Usually I title my posts, “Atheistjustin ____” and then talk about my nipples for about 800 words and call that a post.

But, today I am feeling enthusiastic about talking about the disdain I feel towards my University- the State University of New Jersey. Not New Jersey State. That doesn’t exist. Every state has a State University- Kansas State, Pennsylvania State, etc.

But New Jersey? Nope.

We have Rutgers.

Ugh… We have Rutgers…

With only 2 months left at this place, I feel the need to express my grievances. Buckle yourselves in because there’s quite a few of them.

For some people, I’m probably coming off like a whiney cunt. Which, I get. But, for everybody else, for most Rutgers seniors and alumni, I think we’ll come to a healthy agreement that Shape of Water should not have won the Oscar. Maybe we’ll also agree that Rutgers is a fuck of a school.

Let’s focus on the first problem with Rutgers, New Brunswick. The biggest problem. The biggest reason people who are visiting go “ugh……”

The buses.

Jeeeesus Christ. For a school that is 10 years older than the country its located in, how did it go so wrong? Penn State, our unofficial rival, didn’t come to exist nearly a hundred years after us. Pennsylvanians are so unintelligent that they can’t figure out rational liquor and beer laws, drive 20 miles below the speed limit in the left lane, and think that living an Amish lifestyle is fine and dandy.

But even these inbred morons could understand that it doesn’t make sense to have a university that is cut into 5 pieces by Route 18. Rutgers, sadly, did not have the foresight.

And so, Rutgers has 5 campuses: 1. The one people care about 2. The one with lesbians 3. The one with Lesbians and we’re not even sure if its its own campus 4. New Beijing 5. The middle of nowhere

In other dialects they are called 1. College Ave 2. Douglass 3. Cook 4. Bush 5. Livingston

The fact that business majors might live on College ave but have to take the bus to Livingston, or that an Engineering major might live on Douglass but have to take the bus to Bush, is the first God forsaken error made by this school.

From what I understand, Rutgers during its history as a University looked at other neighboring schools in the area, like Douglass Women’s College, and said, ‘yeah I’m just gonna take this now,’ and did nothing to build one large cohesive campus and community.

Instead, they’ve all stayed individual areas with no plan, no connection with the only way to get between them being overpacked, crowded, disgusting, traffic causing, disease-spreading, ass-eating buses.

Let’s concentrate on the real campus, the one people care about. When kids visit Rutgers from other schools, they’re not going to Douglass. They’re going to College Ave.

College Ave is in New Brunswick, a disgusting, decrepit city who hands out millions of dollars in parking tickets to undergraduates, and spends the money on ?

No idea. But it’s not going back into the city. It’s not going towards the undergraduates’ safety or bettering the lives of the young men and women in the area.

I had the pleasure of parking my car on Easton Avenue and finding the front bumper ripped off. When I contacted the Mayor’s office about possibly getting traffic footage to see who might have hit my car, they told me they didn’t have traffic cameras.

They don’t have traffic cameras on the biggest and most widely used road in the part of the city closest to the University it holds. On this 1 street alone are 5 bars and 2 liquor stores. Do you understand? There are more chances of fights, vandalism, hit and runs, or deaths on this 1 street than all of Rutgers. What does the city of New Brunswick do about it? Dick shit nothing.

But if you don’t park your car on the other side of the street on Alternate Side days, even though there are 0 parking spaces available in your Ward, and the street cleaner didn’t come anyway, then you are FUCKED.

Whew. I’m getting heated. I’m sorry. I need a break. Ugh. How’s your day? Are you okay? I hope you’re doing well, whoever you are.

Okay- continuing on.

The city does nothing to separate the crime and riff raff from the city from the undergraduates and once you take a single step off of College ave, you are in shitsville New Brunswick.

So why does this campus matter? Why is this the one people care about? Because Greek Life is on it. Yes, most Universities have designated areas, usually right off campus, close to the actual campus itself, where ‘Greek Row’ houses undergraduates that are trying to safely and responsibly have a good time during their undergrad years.

Rutgers don’t do none of that shit.

While Union and Mine St. were once ‘Fraternity and Sorority Row,’ housing developments from BOTH Rutgers and New Brunswick have made sure that walking down any street off of College ave gives you an orgy of possibilities.

Union Street for example, has fraternity houses, sorority houses, apartment buildings, Rutgers-owned department headquarters (literally just former Greek houses that now have Rutgers signs on the front), offices, and parking meters.

Parking meters have gone up in almost every single available space in the city. I remember when I was a Freshman and the spaces on Union were open to the public and not metered. There was at least a small, small chance you could find a spot near your house if you were a Ward 5 resident. Now, that chance has dwindled to a sad, dying nipple.

The greatest part about having all the Greek life in the city, as opposed to off of a traditional campus is that the police are right around the corner and even if you register your social event, tailgate, fundraiser, or whatever, the New Brunswick Police Department could, at any time, decide to shut it down due to ‘noise.’

This leads into the lack of school spirit. There’s no reason to have school spirit about a place that offers absolutely no place or possibility for someone to tailgate, get rowdy, or have fun.

We had the Alley for 2 games and it was fucking awesome. It was like, ‘Finally. Finally Rutgers is giving the student body something to be excited about. This is something that is going to get the student body prepped and pumped to go to Football games and to bring us pride to this school.’

Then they shut it down.


And now what? What are we supposed to do? We can’t tailgate in the Fraternity houses, they get shut down. We can’t tailgate in the lots, they’re too expensive. We can’t tailgate in the student lot, because Rutgers was inadequate at creating one. And what the fuck is there to even get excited for? Our 3-9 record?

And that record isn’t going to improve anytime soon. If I’m a 4 or 5 star recruit, why the fuck am I going to Rutgers? For Brower dining hall? Hell fucking no.

Brower is the dining hall located on College ave. An alternative, more delicious option is to eat the leftover bits of seed out of horse shit.

Brower dining hall is actually so bad that the better option was to trek all the way to Robert Wood Johnson, the local hospital, and walk to towards the Medical School building. Inside of that was a dining hall that took Rutgers meal swipes and offered discounted food to students. The food was actually really good and the best bang for your buck undoubtedly.

And now its gone.

it closed.

cuz Rwj is building new doctors offices.

And it makes no sense, Rutgers has clearly shown that it has the capability to create a well-functioning, great dining hall with good food for undergrads. Its on Livingston. Why they don’t have the capacity to do the same thing at the most popular of its campuses, I simply do not understand.

But good thing they spent millions of dollars on creating ‘The Yard.’

Which, actually fucking blows.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s really wonderful to be standing at the bus stop with 108 other people while CNN is blasting in the background on the giant TV screen, or overhear the corner preacher go on about Jesus Christ and how we’re all going str8 2 hel, but the Yard is a massive disappointment.

I don’t live inside of it and I don’t know how the actual rooms, hallways, or gyms work. And maybe they’re awesome. What I do know is that for the rest of the student body, most of the food options provided are expensive and overpriced, which the retailers most likely have to do to afford Rutgers’ probably insane lease.

Bella’s Burger Shack already closed and there’s no fucking way that Cupcake shop is making it to 2019. I’ve even heard management at Jersey Mikes say they were concerned about breaking even.

My favorite thing is how the Starbucks at the Yard, probably the most popular of all the spots, went on this back-and-forth with the University of ‘we’re here. we’re closed. we’re back. we’re closed again. now we’re back again. that coffee is gonna be $7.87.’

I will say this about Rutgers College Ave Campus- at least it has 3 Starbucks available on 1 street: the Starbucks bus parked by the library, the Starbucks at the Yard, and the Starbucks at the very end of College Ave and Somerset inside the Barnes and Noble.

Hey, you might get R-U-Screwed by transferring in-state credits from your community college, and have to spend an extra year, graduating at 23 and putting you at a disadvantage when competing for jobs, but HEY! At least you can get easily caffeinated!

I guess I’ve said all I needed to say and I’m sure this post won’t go anywhere. At the end of the day, this University has made some horrible decisions and has a lot of work to do to become less shitty, but I still have the first 3 words of the Alma Matter tattoo’d on my foot. So, I guess there’s that.

I will leave you now with a picture of a Pork Roll Egg and Cheese.



Published by J. Cassidy Hawthorne

Writer. Former stand-up. Sommelier.

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