Atheistjustin Moves In

What up sluts.

Its 4:07pm on a Monday, January 15th and I am watching that Viceland show about racist groups in America- I think it’s called ‘Hate Thy Neighbor.’ All I know is, this one dude is screaming very violently that the white man is the devil.

Like, listen dude, we are the devil but you don’t have to yell about it.

My buddy just gave me a great idea of how funny it would be to have a show where we would take radically different people and make them go into meetings. Like, imagine throwing a bunch of Hasidic Jews into a Catholic church.

“You are going to EAT Jesus? Why? You’re mashuganah.”

Imaging bringing a bunch of Muslims to a Strip Club. I’d imagine they’d just start throwing sheets on the dancers screaming, “COVA YOURSELF INFIDEL!”

I don’t know, I thought it was funny. Look at me being socio-political. For a guy named ‘Atheistjustin’ I actually go pretty light on the religious stuff. You know why? Nobody gives a shit. Do you think a devout Catholic is going to stumble across this website and read about my asshole friend tripping acid, and then take a post I write about religion seriously? At all?

Fuck no.

At the end of the day, nobody cares about your beliefs and nobody cares if you die. That’s why you should waste your time reading this blogpost and buying my shit.

So anyway, I’ve moved back into my shit hole house at Rutgers for the last time- well, actually, there’s still Spring Break to move back into- but that’s not of anything notable.

I actually feel nostalgic already. I keep thinking about that day I walk off the front porch of this 2 story pile of dog shit and look at it, with its dirt caked on the front face. I’ll feel a little sad. I’ll feel a little reminiscent. But I’ll also feel so god damn relieved.

The amount of shit that has gone on in this house on a regular basis is uncanny, reprehensible, and evidence that there is absolutely, indefinitely, no God.

I actually dropped a class already (classes don’t start till tomorrow) and in it’s place I’ve replaced it with 2 online classes. That’s right. Online.

I have to take 6 classes to amass my final 16 credits (I fucked up reaaaaal bad freshman year) and 4 of them are online. Don’t you worry- I am doing my absolute best to ensure that the last 2 are also online.

If I can spend my last semester of college without ever stepping into a classroom building I think you can safely call me the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.

The only thing I’m concerned about is the lack of social interaction. I mean, there’s something about walking into a classroom and meeting people and down the road bumping into them at some shitty bar and going, “oh shit! You were in my X class!”

But I think I can just go one step forward and just DO all my work AT the bar. So now the conversation goes, “Oh shit! You were in X bar while I was ripping Jameson shots and reading some bullshit article for my bullshit class!”

I mean, listen, I’ve done all my major and minor stuff, presided as VP of a Fraternity, worked several jobs, and deserve a fuckin semester of devoting my time and energy to things I actually want to do. Like masturbating.

I’m also going to try and learn Spanish this year with Duo Lingo. So far: Yo soy un hombre. Me gusta como manzanas.

Not entirely sure about that last sentence. But it’s a slow, slow process.

Since moving back in and being closer to New Brunswick and all the things and people I love, I’ve also been able to work out again and lose all the fat my mother poured onto me with her god damn baked shit. Fuck your cookies mom. Fuck em.

Anyway that’s all for now. I’ll leave you all with a picture of a Chinese man.

 

 

yes

 

Atheisjustin’s Asshole Attempts Acid

How you like the assonance in the title? Pretty fuckin dope right? English major over here.

What up cunts.

This is an old post that actually, for some reason, never made it onto my original site. This is about the time my buddy tried acid for the first time and all the fun that ensued for me.

Enjoy.

 

Since I was about 13 years old, I’ve had this friend. For all intents and purposes, his name is Asshole. Asshole and I have had a lot of fun together.

Much like my real asshole, I have spent a lot of our relationship cleaning him up, taking care of him, and hoping he doesn’t ruin my underwear.

His name is Asshole for self-explanatory reasons.

Anyway, he and I were hanging out and he told me that he was going to take acid. He asked me to baby sit. Since I have never seen a human being high on LSD, I figured it would be an awesome blog post.

Would my friend die? Would I be the witness to my friend losing his fucking mind and slowly turn into Syd Barrett? Would Asshole shit all over himself? The possibilities were endless.

Though people in college are on acid more often than not, I was still interested in getting some personal time with someone who was insanely high.

Here’s how it went:

He was staying at our friend’s house and when I arrived. I walked in; the door was open.

“Hey! AAASSSSHOLE!!!???”

I heard a voice from the toilet accompanied by the sounds of a Kamikaze airstrike- I soon realized this ‘airstrike’ was just the sound of Asshole’s asshole.

He informed me that he was on the toilet, still in fact, sober. He came out and shook my hand (did he wash?) and told me that he had just dropped acid about a half hour ago and should kick in at any moment.

So, time goes by and Asshole, Friend, and I are all sitting outside, enjoying the nice LSD weather. During this time Asshole and Friend were still sober, I asked them a couple questions.

Apparently acid lasts about 8-12 hours or until someone falls asleep. This means, it was destined to be an interesting day.

Eventually the acid started to kick in and Asshole explained that he began feeling like he was high on weed. To be honest, he was totally functional and speaking like a normal human being. All that cartoon drug shit seemed to be bullshit.

Then he stopped and turned me to say, “Okay, something just happened and it’s starting to make me think that something is definitely happening.”

“You alright man?”

“I don’t know- I think I’m starting to hit that weird stage.”

As time passed, I recorded a few things he was saying.

“There’s a lot of movement going on. Those things are vibrating.”

“I feel happy.”

“I’ve been really excited for 10 minutes straight. Like in the throat and stuff. I keep flexing my calf muscle.”

“You look fine, but that thing over there looks like it’s vibrating.”

“You know what, this is starting to feel good.”

“Okay, so my phone just changed that means something is definitely happening.”

“You know how when you’re a little kid and you see everything for the first time and you’re like, ‘okay, that’s what a cloud is?’ That’s what its like right now.”

Once it had became obvious that Asshole was stoned as fuck, we decided it would be a good idea to venture into the woods and experience nature while he was in this altered state.

It was not a good idea.

Within 15 seconds of walking into the woods, Asshole broke out into a panic, screaming that something had just bit his leg.

There was no bite mark.

He was just high.

Really, really high.

So, my other friend who was with us explained, ‘when you take acid, you go on an adventure. When your friends take acid, you take them on the adventure.’

At this point in my life, I had yet to read Tom Wolfe’s Electric Kool Aid Acid test, so I didn’t quite understand. But then, soon enough, it all made sense.

Apparently being high on acid in the static of a home is one thing, but to be out and about in the world is an entirely different thing. And so, we decided we’d move around and go places.

So, the day began. Our first stop: A graduation ceremony.

Yikes.

So, we pull up into this graduation party with the rest of the car and Krew assembled.

Nobody else there had any idea Asshole and Friend were stoned, but if you watched the two of them from a distance, it was horribly obvious. The two of them kept breaking off from the rest of the party and Asshole kept talking to a rock.

Eventually the party was over and it was decided that we would head to this secluded lake with another friend who had been to the spot before.

While we were in the car, at one point, Asshole and I were both in the backseat and he started crying. He wasn’t sad, depressed, or upset. But nonchalantly, tears began rolling out of his eyes down his cheek.

He then rolled the window down, turned to me and screamed, “IT GON RAIN” and leaned his head out of the window while the tears flew all over the place.

When we got to the lake the sun was just getting ready to set and it was reflected in the clearness of the water. It was a pretty sight.

Asshole walked onto the dock and sat at the edge. He turned to us and said, “I feel like I’m at the end of the Seinfeld episode where they show off all the production companies and stuff. You know, like, how there’s that sun setting one at the end?”

He was talking about this:

 

seinfeld

 

Essentially, Asshole was high on acid, sitting at the edge of a dock looking out into a beautiful lake, and thought about Seinfeld.

What a fucking Jew.

After a while, we decided to head to the beach. I don’t know why we decided to do that, but soon enough we were there and Asshole had an idea.

“Okay, I’m gonna sit here on the beach and listen to Revolution 9 by the Beatles.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“No.”

“Okay. Great.”

He then put in his headphones and pressed play. I sat there, looking out into the darkness of the ocean for about- eh- 40 seconds.

Asshole looked at his phone, pulled out his headphones and said, “Holy shit it’s only been 30 seconds! I thought I’d been here for hours.”

I was a little surprised and disappointed he didn’t have a psychotic breakdown, but I guess this had to do.

Eventually, the night concluded with Asshole and Friend both retiring home, leaving their high brains to be alone with themselves. The adventure probably kept going on for another couple of hours for them, but ended there for me.

And that concludes my telling of this odd adventure. I will leave you with a picture of whatever the fuck this is.

 

ALBERT_HOFMANN_AND_LSD_WIDE

Welcome to the All New atheistjustin.com

Hello, assholes.

If this is your first time here, welcome to atheistjustin.com! Hope you’re not already offended. And I guess, if you are, fuck off.

For those of you who are my old-time fans, who’ve been with me all these years, welcome to the NEW and IMPROVED atheistjustin.com. Where’s all the old stuff? Well, it’s still around on atheistjustin.blogspot.com, but moving forward, THIS is where all my posts, news, podcasts, etc. will be going.

I simply couldn’t bring myself to delete the old site after 6 years of profane, inappropriate posting. It has become a part of me. A very crude, anus and nipple-filled part of me.

Why the move? Well I’ll fuckin tell ya.

I’m old.

I’m a grown up boy. It’s time for a professional-ish website. All new layout, a functional menu, and a place that no longer makes as many mentions of underage drinking, references to Korean hookers, and the colloquialisms of an overly expressive 16 year old.

Now it’s time for a place for an overly expressive 21 year old to make the exact same mistakes.

On this new site, my beloved fans: new and old, you’ll find the blog section (where ur fuckin ass is at right now), the podcast section for my podcasts (didn’t think you could figure it out), as well as a merchandise section for my books and other atheistjustin items, and a contact section where you can send me hate mail and tell me that my atheist views are going to land me straight to hell.

Questions and comments, or things I find interesting, or funny, or incredibly fucking stupid, will be read and remarked on the ~podcast.~

Hopefully, now that because I’m paying significantly more for this website than the old one, I’ll be writing and posting more. Being that I’m done with the Fraternity life and nearly done with college, there should be more time in the coming months to write, reflect, and say nipples.

Podcasts will be done and uploaded every Sunday, as per my New Years Resolution (I’m a fag) and blogs should, in theory, be done around the same time.

Here’s to a new year and a new website.

I will now leave you all with a picture of a newborn chinchilla.

Baby chinchilla